The Goggle Thong

Being a Mom, you run into all sorts of situations life doesn't prepare you for. Yesterday I had one of those moments. My precious little Eli, who is now 4, has taken to stripping naked and donning his swim goggles. Not on his face mind you --that would be unimaginative. No, Eli has managed to creatively fashion his lime green swim goggles into a make-shift thong.

Picture this if you will...a semi-sheer lens shielding each wittle "tentacle" (that's what he calls them) and the white elastic strap straining between his perfect butt cheeks. I come across this scene and have several thoughts in quick succession.

Does this mean he's gay?

Is this normal?

Will he one day make it big on Project Runway?

Then I have a mommy flashback to the time I walked in one of the kids trying to push a tampon up his bum (I won't name names in case he runs for office one day.)

My internal dialogue reflects my "I'm OK, You're OK" approach to parenting. I tell myself...it's all good. It's all normal. And I proceed to have a very level-head conversation with Eli, channeling the enlightened, hippie mom within.

"Why are you wearing the goggles like that buddy? Is it comfortable?"

He looks at me and blushes but says nothing. Now, I wouldn't have said a word, but it's the second time he's donned the goggle thong so I have to ask.

"Does it feel good on your penis honey?" He lowers his head and says no.

"Because its totally okay if it does, but it looks really uncomfortable."

He smiles, and looks away again clearly embarrassed.

"Why don't we put your clothes on sweetie and we can save the goggles for the pool?"

He nods and I remember when the doctor looked at the ultrasound images of my eldest just forming in my belly. I was just 17 weeks pregnant and at the doctor's to learn the sex of my first baby. Unfortunately, the baby was not cooperating and had it's hands perpetually between it's legs.

"It's a boy," the doctor said with complete confidence.

"How can you tell if the hands are between the legs?" I asked.

The doctor smiled. "I'm certain it's a boy," he said. "We start in utero!"

What crazy thing ever happened with your kids that you could not have ever predicted or prepared for?

Do you think we are born sexual creatures well before puberty sets in?

may 6.2009