Living In A Police State

Los Gatos and Monte Sereno enjoy a low crime rate. That is unless you count the delinquents like me. In the past few months I’ve had a few tussles with the law and managed to become public enemy number one. I got a ticket for talking on my cell phone. I got a ticket for having my front tires in a cross walk. I had Animal Control leave me multiple warnings for “allowing” my dog to jump our fence. Tonight, I almost ended up in the slammer.

I had to pick my son up from a friend’s house one mile from my home. My 12 year old was watching TV, his 5 year old brother napping beside him. I grabbed my cell phone and told my eldest I would be back in 10 minutes.

The play date went well and my 9 year old was telling me all about it when the flash of blue and red lights caught me by surprise. What in gods name did I do now? I thought to myself doing a quick inventory. The phone had wrung but I opened it “hands free” using the speaker phone. I wasn’t speeding. Ryan was sitting in the front seat (for the first time ever) but no way could the officer determine he was a half inch shy of the 4’9” requirement in the dark. The flashlight glared at me interrogation style as I rolled down the window.

“Can I see your license and registration,” he said.

I reached for my purse. It wasn’t there.

“Oh no, I left my purse on the kitchen counter,” I said. “I just live down this road if you could follow me for a minute?”

“I can’t do that,” he said.

“I do have my registration and proof of insurance,” I offered fumbling through the glove box and handing him the documents. “Can I ask why you pulled me over?”

“You’re registration sticker isn’t up to date,” he said.

“Oh, it really is,” I explained. “But I made a mistake and put it on the front plate instead of the back and haven’t moved it yet because I don’t have the proper wrench.”

He wasn’t interested in my registration sticker. He had bigger fish to fry. He went back to his car for a moment and when he returned said, “You aren’t a licensed California driver.”

“Yes, I am. I have the license in my wallet,” I said, mind racing.

“You aren’t in the computer system. And if you are driving without a license I will have to tow your car,” he said.

““We could resolve all this if you drove up the street with me,” I offered. And as he went to do another computer check, I explained that my son was home waiting for my return.

“How old is your son?” he asked.

“Twelve,” I replied.

“It’s illegal to leave a child under the age of 14 alone Ellen,” he said in that “Mighty Oz” tone. “It’s a misdemeanor and I could report you to Child Protective Services.”

“Twelve year olds babysit where I come from,” I offered.

“Well it’s against the law in the state of California,” he reiterated. “Penal code blah blah blah blah.”

At that point panic began to set in. My car was going to be towed. My unpaid cell phone ticket was going to land me in the slammer. My kids were going to be taken from me. And the lawyer bills would be mounting. I could feel the tears welling up inside me.

I called the kids father. He was a good 40 minute drive away. I called home and assured my responsible 12 year old that I would be home shortly.

The officer returned to my car window and handed me my paperwork. “You need to have your license on you at all times and you need to go home and take care of your children,” he advised me. “I’m going to let you go with a warning.”

I think I nodded. I don’t remember much other than the tears streaming down my face and the mix of fear and indignant anger burning inside me.

According to the local police department’s website, their officers “work hard to provide a full range of services often beyond what other communities are able to provide.” Perhaps a nice bank robbery, once in a while, would help put their world in perspective? Then again, that’s the thinking of a criminal mind and a neglectful mother.

Mind Your Own

There’s a law on the east coast that I never really appreciated or even consciously recognized until I moved out west. It’s an unspoken rule, a kind of social contract that everyone enters into “Thou shall mind thy own damn business.”

On the east coast we walk with our gaze fixed ahead of us, hands in pockets, with an “I’m on a mission” attitude that says without words “I got places to go and people to see. Don’t slow me down.” Don’t get me wrong, people are often friendly. We yield the right of way on the streets giving the mandatory wave; we smile at adorable babies and we nod empathetically at overwhelmed moms. But we don’t often offer our two cents. That’s not the case in California.

I first noticed it on the roads. And before you ask, I am a good driver with a clean license. I learned to drive in New York so I have no trouble asserting myself behind the wheel. But in California I found myself with an endless supply of backseat drivers, and they weren’t in my car. They were in the cars around me. Dozens of them. Pointing angrily at my front tires if they inched into the crosswalk. Waving disapprovingly if I answered my cell phone (and this before the cell ban law was passed.) And all too often flipping me the bird for whatever supposed infraction I’d committed.

Fourteen years in Philadelphia and I only recall being flipped the bird once. Yet in Cali, I’ve been told to “read between the lines” by a least a dozen civilian officers. Maybe living outside the city people feel they can “express themselves” without fear of being shot?

Where are the laid-back, bohemian, surfer, hippie types? They aren’t in the supermarkets either. Today in the P&W (not your warm and fuzzy Piggly Wiggly) with my three kids in tow, I got another dose of unsolicited advise. The market was empty, so I told the kids they could explore as long as they kept track of where I was. They ran off giggling and didn’t get down one aisle before an employee admonished them to “Stop running!” Ok, that was wise; I agreed. Not five minutes later, my little one ran up to plea for Twix yogurt, when a well-coiffed, silver-haired, schoolmarm asked me in semi-horror, “Are those your children?”

“Yes, they are. Is there a problem?” I asked.

“Well they are climbing the boxes in the detergent aisle!” she explained, lips pursed.

“I will take care of that,” I said. “Thank you for telling me.”

I turned to walk away, thinking that would suffice but it didn’t.

“You would think you could maintain some degree of control,” she went on.

I was rather floored. “Didn’t I just say I would take care of?” I replied.

“I would hope so,” she said.

That was it. I’d had had it. My default position is to be polite but when strangers stick their nose in my business –especially as it relates to my children, it just presses my buttons.

“Thanks for the input Grandma,” I sneered and walked off to gather my kids, who were enjoying an innocent game of hide and seek among the toilet paper packages.

Despite their laid back, sunny reputations, not all Californians model the “live and let live” lifestyle. In fact, I’m thinking the whole Silicon Valley could use a nice heaping portion of good ole East Coast “Mind Your Own Damn Business!”

Mind Your Own

There’s a law on the east coast that I never really appreciated or even consciously recognized until I moved out west. It’s an unspoken rule, a kind of social contract that everyone enters into ‑‑“Thou shall mind thy own damn business.”

On the east coast we walk with our gaze fixed ahead of us, hands in pockets, with an “I’m on a mission” attitude that says without words “I got places to go and people to see. Don’t slow me down.” Don’t get me wrong, people are often friendly. We yield the right of way on the streets giving the mandatory wave; we smile at adorable babies and we nod empathetically at overwhelmed moms. But we don’t often offer our two cents. That’s not the case in California.

I first noticed it on the roads. And before you ask, I am a good driver with a clean license. I learned to drive in New York so I have no trouble asserting myself behind the wheel. But in California I found myself with an endless supply of backseat drivers, and they weren’t in my car. They were in the cars around me. Dozens of them. Pointing angrily at my front tires if they inched into the crosswalk. Waving disapprovingly if I answered my cell phone (and this before the cell ban law was passed.) And all too often flipping me the bird for whatever supposed infraction I’d committed.

Fourteen years in Philadelphia and I only recall being flipped the bird once. Yet in Cali, I’ve been told to “read between the lines” by a least a dozen good-doers. Maybe living outside the city people feel they can “express themselves” without fear of being shot?

Where are the laid back, bohemian, surfer, hippie types? They aren’t in the supermarkets either. Today in the P&W with my three kids (not your warm and fuzzy Piggly Wiggly) I got another dose of unsolicited advise. The market was empty, so I told the kids they could explore as long as they kept track of where I was and met me at check-out. They ran off giggling and didn’t get down one aisle before an employee admonished them to “Stop running!” Ok, that was wise. I agree. Not five minutes later, my little one ran up to plea for Twix yogurt when a silver haired, well-coiffed, schoolmarm asked me in an irritated tone, “Are those your children?”

“Yes, they are. Is there a problem?” I asked.

“Well they are climbing the boxes in the detergent aisle!” she explained, lips pursed.

“Oh, well I will take care of that,” I said. “Thank you for telling me.” I turned to walk away, thinking that would suffice but it didn’t.

“You would think you could maintain some degree of control…” she went on. I was rather floored.

“Didn’t I just say I would take care of?” I replied.

“I would hope so!” she said.

That was it. I’d had it. My default position is to be polite but when strangers stick their nose in my business but when it relates to my children --that presses my buttons.

“Thanks for the input Grandma,” I sneered and walked off to gather my kids, who were enjoying an innocent game of hide and seek among the toilet paper packages.

I thought Californians were supposed to be laid-back? Chill. Relaxed. Boho. Live and let live. Not so in the Silicon Valley where I think they could use a nice heaping dose of “Mind Your Own Damn Business!”

The Key to Romance (or Kiss My Ass Naked Butt Man)

Chuck’s marriage had lost its spice. He felt the connection he once had with his wife disappearing. So, he brought home a magnetic poetry kit that had an assortment of romantic and erotic words. Chuck imagined he and his wife could leave tantalizing musings for each other on the refrigerator to rekindle their connection. Day one he awoke to this message from his wife: "kiss my ass naked butt man."

Despite rumors to the contrary, romance isn’t dead. An online study conducted by Yankelovich in February 2008, explored ways of connecting among 1001 couples. The study found that American couples are lacking ze romance and they want more! In fact, 76% of those surveyed said they wish they could add more romance to their relationship.

So, what exactly is romance? The dictionary says it’s “the ardent emotional attachment between people.” Romance is almost as hard to define as love. Professor Richard Wiseman conducted a survey among 6500 men and women all over the world in July 2009. He found that there is a huge rift between what men and women believe is romantic.

“Contrary to what many men believe, you do not have to spend large sums of money to woo a woman -it really is the thought that counts,” Wiseman said.

Men mistakenly believe women value expensive gifts or sexy lingerie as the ultimate in romance. But that is not the case. Women, in fact, prefer little loving touches, such as a morning cup coffee in bed or a gentle foot rub or a relaxing hot bath. And these romantic gestures cost little to nothing.

In the Yankelovich study, people said what was lacking most from their relationships was intimate conversations (41%) and time together (40%) and sex (45%.) Even with all of the communication technology options available today, many people feel less connected than they would like to be with their significant other. One possible solution is to bring on the romance because romance fuels connection.

So, what’s a romance-starved nudnik to do? Dr. Wiseman had women rank romantic gestures and the top ten may surprise you.

1) Cover her eyes and lead her to a lovely surprise.
2) Whisk her away somewhere exciting for the weekend.
3) Write a song or poem about her.
4) Tell her that she is most wonderful woman that you have ever met.
5) Run her a relaxing bath after she has had a bad day at work.
6) Send her a romantic text or email, or leave a note around the house.
7) Wake her up with breakfast in bed.
8) Offer her a coat when she is cold.
9) Send her a large bouquet of flowers, or box of chocolates, at her workplace.
10) Make her a compilation of her favorite music.

Now with all this research data in mind, men –it’s time to draw the bath, ply your woman with compliments, bring on the chocolate truffles and rustle up some va va voom.